Summary: When we communicate we “encode” what we want to say based on our priorities and preferences. But the people we’re talking to also have preferences, knowledge and assumptions which can filter and alter what they actually hear. By thinking about our audience — and the preferences which shape how they receive and participate in communication, we can increase our effectiveness.
Personality and preferences affect how people communicate
Communication is a process of encoding and decoding information. Most of the time we do that automatically. But this auto-pilot can obscure the preferences which affect how we — and the people we’re talking to — make sense of things. Sometimes we’re so focused on the “what” of our message, that we don’t fully consider the who, how and why factors that can affect communication.
We can understand communication preferences using two scales:
- Dominance/assertiveness
- Sociability/Emotional expression
These two characteristics can affect how we communicate. Most people will have some degree of flexibility and be able to adapt how they operate in different contexts. As the “encoder” we can flex our communication style and message to make it easier for our audience to decode. And if we’re on the “receiving end” we can work harder when things don’t immediately make sense. But most people will also have a default or a “style under stress” that they revert to — and understanding these preferences can make us more effective communicators.
Dominance/Assertiveness
Highly dominant assertive people like to control. They tend to talk rather than listen. They cut to the point — and it’s usually based on how they see the world. They’re assertive — so they usually take the lead.
Those lower in dominance are usually better listeners — though they may sit back and wait for others to speak, rather than asking opinions. Their preference is for co-operation rather than competition.
Sociability/Emotional Expression (AKA Head or Heart)
Most people also have preferences around how they relate to and make use of emotion and social interaction and connection. You might think of this as similar to extroverts (who recharge through contact to others) and introverts (who are more likely to enjoy focused time to themselves). There’s also a correlation to how emotionally expressive a person likes to be… and my shortcut for thinking about these preferences is “what do they think first with, their head or their heart?” In reality, everyone “reacts” emotionally with their fast-thinking “System 1” and then rationalises this intellectually… but some people are more comfortable expressing the emotional aspects of their sense-making, while others prefer the cool rationality of “facts”.
We can combine these aspects to create a four-box grid or map that we can use to identify communication proferences.
Mapping preferences
Like any map, this gives us a landscape we can navigate… and by creating “landmarks” on the map we can describe and recognise different areas. When we encounter someone or have a specific audience in mind for a message, we can now locate their preference on the map and use it to think about how we communicate with them… we can start with four “archetypes” that occupy the extremes of each region: Directive, Reflective, Supportive and Emotive.
Directive
Directives like to be in charge. They don’t like to waste time. They want you to get to the point. In most cases the Directive feels more comfortable talking than listening. They may give the impression of not listening. They display a serious attitude. They’re businesslike. They like to maintain control. During meetings the Directive often seeks to control the agenda. They may interrupt. They like short sentences.
Reflective
Like a cautious scientist, this individual wants to gather all available information and weigh it carefully before taking a position. They want facts presented with logic, not emotion. They’ll be a stickler for detail. They might have questions, or disagree with you — but you might need to be the one to tease that out of them. They’re likely to try to to curb emotional expression. They tend to express measured opinions and are usually “formal” in social relationships — so they might appear aloof. They like orderliness, structured environments and generally feel frustration when confronted with unexpected events.
Emotive
They are outspoken, enthusiastic, and stimulating. They enjoy social connections and relationships. They usually feel more comfortable in an informal atmosphere. Higher dominance and sociability means they often display spontaneous, uninhibited behaviour. There “highly animated,” rapid, modulated speech and hand gestures show their enthusiasm. They ususally appear busy. Their high dominance means they’ll take the lead in social situations — they’ll initiate handshakes, they’re likely to be huggers — they’re direct and open. They like to encourage informality. They’ll use your first name — even if it might be too soon or inappropriate. Emotive people generally do not hide their feelings. They often express opinions dramatically and impulsively.
Supportive
They complete tasks in a quiet, unassuming way. They rarely draw attention to their accomplishments. Low in assertiveness, usually very easygoing, they give the appearance of being quiet and reserved. People with the Supportive communication style can easily display their feelings, but not in the assertive manner common to the Emotive.
They listen attentively to other people.
The Supportive person usually takes longer to make a decision — being thoughtful and deliberate. Whereas the Directive may rely on power to accomplish tasks, the Supportive person is more likely to rely on friendly persuasion.
Messages are filtered through preference…
These preferences shape how we communicate. And it’s not as simple as trying to mirror the other person’s preference — two emotives might escalate the emotional landscape of a conversation. Directives might clash as their assertiveness competes. Reflectives might get stuck in analysis paralysis.
But… understanding your own defaults and preferences… and the default preferences of your audience can help boost compatibility in the encoding and decoding part of communication.
Imagine an Emotive communicating to a Directive. The Emotive is more likely to keep things short. But their preference might steer them towards the “big picture” — whereas the Directive is more likely to want a focus on the facts and how it affects their work or responsibility. They’ll want points covered in a logical sequence — whereas the Emotive might be more prone to extravagant flights of fancy and expression.
A Supportive communicator will spend time showing they care about the consequences of any change. This is great for a Reflective audience who prize stability and predictability. The Supportive will transmit other signals that they’ve anticipated concerns, questions and objections… but there might be too much “qualitative” data rather than cold, hard facts which the Reflective wants to analyse and digest
How do you find out preferences?
The secret to great communication is to pay attention in every interaction — be present in the moment, actively listen and clearly make your point. Being natural and authentic is the secret to most effective communication. But because most of what we do when we communicate is automatic — our selection of language, structure and style — we can miss chances to be a more effective communicator.
Once you have a map, it’s easy to recognise signals that help you locate where a person sits on that map. Every conversation and interaction can reveal useful information — and give you clues about preferences. How long are their sentences? Are they more interested in qualitative or quantitive insight? Do they interrupt? Are they animated — listen to their voice and watch their hands — how “modulated” is their communication? What type of questions do they ask — open or closed? Each time we interact with someone it’s a chance to learn more about them at the “information level” and the “preference level”… most of the time we’re unaware of the adaptations we make to create more effective communication and interactions. But if we can shift this from unconscious into conscious preparation, we’ll be better equipped for every form of communication.
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